[Verse 1]
Rocked up late on a Tuesday
Doc says
“Mate
Jump up on the bed”
Pulls on gloves like a DJ
Snap sound rattlin’ round my head
I’m tryin’ to think about cricket
Tryin’ to read that dumb wall chart
He says
“You might feel some pressure”
I’m prayin’ he’s talkin’ ’bout my heart

[Chorus]
’Cause the worst thing you can feel in a prostate exam
Two hands on your shoulders
Mate
That’s the plan?
I froze like a roo in the high-beam glare
Thinkin’
“Hang on
Doc
What’s goin’ on back there?”
Yeah the worst thing you can feel in a prostate exam
Two hands on your shoulders
That’ll tighten your hamstrings
Tried to laugh it off
But I swear and I stand
If he’s got two hands up there
Whose bloody hand’s that
Man?

[Verse 2]
Nurse walks in with a clipboard
I’m half-draped
Arse out
So proud
She says
“Oops
Wrong room”
I say
“Yeah
Join the crowd”
Doc clears his throat
Says
“Relax now”
I say
“Easy for you to say”
He says
“You’re all good
It’s over”
I say
“You sure it ever started today?”

[Chorus]
’Cause the worst thing you can feel in a prostate exam
Two hands on your shoulders
Mate
That’ll slam
Every bad joke you heard at the bar last week
Into one long clench in the crack of your seat
Yeah the worst thing you can feel in a prostate exam
Two hands on your shoulders
Like a friendly grandstand
If he’s got two up front
And I’m still sayin’ “Damn”
Then whose hand’s workin’ overtime on my health plan?

[Bridge]
[Crowd call-and-response]
Doc says
“Trust me” (do we, do we?)
Nurse says
“Breathe” (through what, through what?)
I say
“Mate
Just count your fingers
Before you tell me where they’re at” (oi!)

[Chorus]
’Cause the worst thing you can feel in a prostate exam
Two hands on your shoulders
That’s a red flag
Fam
Look
I’m all for a check
Keep your bits in the clear
But keep your maths right
Yeah
Keep your hands where I can steer
Yeah the worst thing you can feel in a prostate exam
Two hands on your shoulders
That’ll stiffen your stance
So do the right thing
Get checked
Be brave
Just make sure every hand’s accounted for before you’re that brave
Mate