[Verse 1]
We stumbled out the front of the pub
Midnight breath
Chips in a bag
Street was quiet
Taxi rank empty
Just us two and a stray on the flag

Little brown mutt on the pavement
Tail going like it swallowed a drum
Flat on its back
Tongue busy as
Doing gymnastics with its own bum

[Chorus]
I said
"If I could do that
I wouldn't need you
Love"
She squinted through the streetlight
Then started cracking up
She said
"Before you dream that big
You filthy little flirt
If you wanna try a trick like that
You’d better pat the dog first"

[Verse 2]
She’s doubled over there on the footpath
I’m just standing with my jaw on the floor
She jabs a thumb at the mongrel
Rolling round like it owns the door

"That dog’s got more manners than you do
And probably better chat as well
You’re lucky I’m still walking beside you
You cheeky so-and-so from hell" (hey!)

[Chorus]
I said
"If I could do that
I wouldn't need you
Love"
She snorted
Wiped her eyes then
Gave my shoulder a shove
She said
"Keep your stupid superpowers
And your dodgy little words
’Cause if you wanna stay with me
You’d better pat the dog first"

[Bridge]
So I crouched down
Gave it a scratch
Dog looked up like
"Mate
You’re cursed"
She grinned
Slipped her arm through mine
"Good boy — that’s a start
Not the worst"

[Chorus]
I said
"If I could do that
I wouldn't need you
Love"
Now every time she tells the story
The whole pub cracks up
She says
"He’s got a one-track mind
And the world’s most tragic flirt
But I married him anyway
’Cause he patted the dog first"