Vince Labor Promises
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
« Gigs With A Difference | Main | MIDI Music Stuff »
Up or Down Sex
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.
Categories: Humour (18+)
ATO Audit
Thursday, August 05, 2010
At the end of the tax year, the Australian Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the ATO agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the c!rcumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Australian Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Categories: Humour (18+)
New UCLA Study
Saturday, July 17, 2010
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his arse while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
Categories: Humour (18+)
My Schnauzer
Monday, July 12, 2010
A woman found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
So he cleaned both of the dog's ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist, and bought the ''Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the chemist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The chemist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either."
"But if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The chemist said, "Stay off bicycles for about a week!"
Categories: Humour (18+)
Nigeria and the World Cup
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who traveled to South Africa.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Feel the curves
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
The advertising brief said 'Get A Coke Down Your Throat'
So the graphic artist went to work.
$200,000 worth of posters and signage had been produced.
Then, a woman following a Coke truck in Sydney, noticed something.
The graphic artist was fired and sued.
All advertising was re-called and destroyed.
Apparently he miss-read the word 'Coke', and as a 'joke' slipped in a bit of visual comedy to one of the ice-cubes at the bottom right-hand corner.
Categories: Humour (18+)
When you finish mixing that one, I'll have another one.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Categories: Humour (18+)
Hitler believes Climate Change
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Categories: AGW Realists, AGW Whackos, Humour (18+), Politics
The Fairy and the Asylum Shopper
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
One day, an asylum shopper claimant was standing outside a Centrelink Office, when a beautiful fairy appeared.
'Dear Refugee,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Afghanistan where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the Afghani's almost toothless grin and -- PING!!! The Asylum Shopper had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.
The Asylum Shopper claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in Afghanistan. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Shopper claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be an Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'
PING! The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towelling hat.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet fuck all like the rest of us”.
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
IF YOU EVER NEED CHEERING UP?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Watch your wedding video backwards. The night starts with you getting a root, then you have a great time and sober up without a hangover. You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car & fuck off with your mates.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Julia Gillard's Facebook Page
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Categories: Facebook Stuff, Humour (18+), Politics
Kevin un10able
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Kevin 07 is now Kevin un10able
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Female Football Fans From Around The World
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Jetstar - New Charges
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Jetstar Have Introduce New Charges.
Example: Cairns to Melbourne
To choose a 'Standard Seat' now incurs a $3.00 surcharge.
To choose a seat in the 'First Six Rows' incurs a $15.00 surcharge.
To choose 'Extra Leg Room' incurs a $23.00 surcharge.
I could not find the FREE selection for 'Standing Room Only' or 'Sub-Standard Seat'.
Categories: Around The Area, Humour (18+), Politics
Boating Accident: This Man Has Just Seconds To Live (Chilling!)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Categories: Humour (18+)
Man's body floating in the Brisbane River
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
NEWS FLASH:
Brisbane Police reported finding a man's body floating in the Brisbane River, near the Story Bridge .
The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excess beer consumption, combined with a drug overdose.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a “Rudd for PM in 2010” t-shirt. He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
Police removed the Rudd t-shirt to spare his family, any unnecessary embarrassment.
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Two old friends were just about to tee off ...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hitman, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hitman calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
Categories: Humour (18+)
Kevin Rat - The Mekong News
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Abdullah in a nursing home
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
An Middle Eastern family were considering putting their grandfather Abdullah into a nursing home.
But as all the Arabic facilities were completely full they had to put him in an Australian home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit grandpa Abdullah ...
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's Great! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone else."
"Oh no! Let me tell you about how respectful they treat the residents" says Abdullah with a big smile.
"There's a musician in here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro'".
"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'".
"There's a dentist here, he's 90 years old who hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'The Doctor'".
"As for me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab'! How great is that?"
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
A Sri Lankan refugee arrives in Melbourne
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
A Sri Lankan refugee arrives in Melbourne as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me into this country, giving me housing, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander".
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia."
The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful Australia!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Parvinder and Habib are London beggars.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of the West End.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2-3'
Habib says 'So what does your sign say?'
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Tough Times Ahead
Sunday, June 06, 2010
TOUGH TIMES AHEAD
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar warned Australia that if military action against Iraq & Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia's supply of Convenience Store managers, and if this action does not yield sufficient results, Taxi Drivers will be next, followed by Telstra Customer Service Reps, Dole Office Workers and Telemarketers and finally............Queensland Doctors.
THIS IS GETTING UGLY, FOLKS!!!!!!
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Duties of Wives.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from Greece .
He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Australian girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Cop vs Child
Friday, June 04, 2010
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
Categories: Humour (18+)
Queensland. Beautiful one day,gone the next.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Tree Hugger from LA
Thursday, June 03, 2010
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
Categories: AGW Realists, AGW Whackos, Humour (18+)
Man in Yarra
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Victorian Police today reported finding a male body in the Yarra River.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol and narcotics consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, stiletto ankle-strap 5-inch heels, and a Collingwood Football jumper. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his anus.
The police thoughtfully removed the Collingwood jumper to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Contagious
Thursday, June 03, 2010
A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’.
Raymond, the smartest kid of the class, gets up and says proudly, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious".
"Well done, Raymond," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s definitely contagious".
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else"?
"I’ve got one," says little Johny, jumping up and down.
"Yes, Johny, what is it?"
Johny composes himself and then begins, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch Brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."
Categories: Humour (18+)
Sex Ed
Thursday, June 03, 2010
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, “Does anyone know what this is?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, my dad has 2 of them!”
And the teacher says, “Are you sure about that?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter’s teeth.”
Categories: Humour (18+)
Rudd at a primary school
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school in Tasmania.
One class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Rudd if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.
A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’.
‘No,’ said Rudd ‘that would be an accident.’
A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy’.
‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Mr. Rudd ‘that’s what we would call great loss’.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rudd searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: ‘If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Rudd was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’
‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Rudd . ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’
‘Well,’ says little Johnny ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a f*cking accident either!’
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Man and a Pig
Thursday, June 03, 2010
A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed, reading.
He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache."
His wife looks up, and says, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find that I'm not talking to you!"
Categories: Humour (18+)
Lessons in English
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Did You Know?
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense; ate.
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag headed bastards with you."
How weird is that?
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Lemon Picker
Thursday, June 03, 2010
A woman applying for a job at a Queensland lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Rudd.
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Rudd to fix the health system
Thursday, June 03, 2010
KRudd announces cost savings in health system.
But first, he's going to make sure every hospital has adequate insulation.
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Rudd and the cattle dog
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, “Julia I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.”
“Good idea Prime Minister, how will we go about it?” said Julia.
“Well,” said Rudd, “we’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog.
Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.”
" Right ,”said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.”G,day mate,” said Rudd, to the bartender, “two middies of your best beer.” “Good afternoon Prime Minister,” said the bartender, “two middies of our best coming up”.
Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar, drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and, lifted it’s tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and, lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.”
Tell me,” said Rudd, “why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?”
“Strewth no!” said the barman. “It’s just that someone went ‘n told ‘em there was a cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!”
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Frustrated Wife
Thursday, June 03, 2010
This frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs …….
enough times till her husband says…….
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”
“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.
“Thank God for that…….
I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.”
Categories: Humour (18+)
Julia Gillard's chauffeur
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Julia Gillard was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Julia.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say to them? 'asks Julia.
'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
'I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Internet Warning
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Internet Warning:
If you get an e-mail titled -
‘Nude photo of Julia Gillard’
don't open it ...
it contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard.
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Internet Filtering
Thursday, June 03, 2010
There is no need for internet filtering. This would stop the wierdos quick smart.
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Important Health Advice for Women
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc
Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living.
Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!
WARNINGS: -
* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!
Categories: Humour (18+)
Test for Men over 50
Thursday, June 03, 2010
TEST FOR MEN OVER 50
As you age your powers of concentration are diminished - this seems to affect men more often than women. The degree of loss can be determined by clicking on the word 'test' ... good luck!
Categories: Humour (18+)
How disappointing.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
How disappointing.
I just bought a new DVD ...... "Tiger Woods Best 18 Holes"
IT WAS ABOUT GOLF!!!
Categories: Humour (18+)
Jackeroo & Kev's Yuppie
Thursday, June 03, 2010
A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the jackaroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government, Kevin's Office', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that I am from the Rudd Government?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows; this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.'
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Hey Bazza, are you sure it's safe to go swimming in the creek behind your shed?
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Categories: Humour (18+)
Little India (formally Australia) Headlines - Year 2029
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia's third language
Kookaburra plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica ... No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but Little India President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Australia Post raises price of stamps to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 Kgs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though petrol is selling for 4532 Rupees per liter and petrol stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as lethal weapons.
Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory) voters still having trouble with voting machines.
God, I Love This Country
THESE ARE NOT THONGS
THESE ARE THONGS
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
Somethings you take for 'granted'
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Somethings you take for 'granted' ... like Hamburgers
http://www.whoppervirgins.com/
Categories: Humour (18+)
New Italian Police Car
Thursday, June 03, 2010
A new patrol car in the Italian police force….Just what they need to catch speeding drivers
What a car!!
Pity they couldn’t find someone who could drive it...
Categories: Humour (18+)
Fire In A Block Of Flats
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a four story block of flats.
A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.
One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief quietly replied,
"Simple - they were both at work."
Categories: Humour (18+)
Finish This Sentence
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Top 5 Police comments taken from in car videos.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Top 5 Police comments taken from in car videos.
5. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not... Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
4. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
3. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
2. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Don't shoot the messenger.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Is this stuff serious or humourous?. You decide.
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Aboriginal
http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/Abooutofaustralia
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Sorry_Day
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Rape
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Your_mom
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Not_gay
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Faggot
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Common_knowledge
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Loli
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Black_People
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Toddlercon
Categories: Humour (18+)
Murphy and his mate Paddy
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 22 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'
'Fook off you liar!'
'I'll prove it,' Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of dem, Paddy?'
'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'
Categories: Humour (18+)
Damned Greenies
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried-and-true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more-humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore, the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens.
All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those dingos ain't fuckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em !!"
Categories: Humour (18+), Politics
The Centrelink Office.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
A long haired kiwi walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'
The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.' 'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. '
The kiwi plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me! '
The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well... you started it.'
Categories: Humour (18+)
Best Aussie Yarn
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.
This was the winner:
Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"
Categories: Humour (18+)
Australian Poetry Competition
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal man.
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to think about it then come up with a short poem that contained that word.
The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped up to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu
The aboriginal won
Categories: Humour (18+)
Good Ol' Al
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Oh, I just couldn't let this one pass by. Talk about laugh ...... if it was funny.
In a letter, an elderly couple, Mr. and Mrs. Delgadillo explained to Al Gore how much they rely on the government-owned Amtrak trains to visit their children and grandchildren in Chicago and on each coast.
President Clinton relied on train travel to reach the Democratic National Convention in Chicago. The train has been our main-stay, yet the administration is killing our Texas Eagle. This makes us sick. The Texas Eagle is the Amtrak train that for years has run between Chicago, St. Louis, Little Rock, Dallas, Fort Worth and San Antonio. But facing a $243 million loss, Amtrak President Thomas Downs has recently named four Amtrak routes to be removed, including the Texas Eagle service between St. Louis and San Antonio. What can you do to save our Eagle?
Gore responded with: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Delgadillo, Thank you for your letter regarding the protection of the Texas eagle. I appreciate hearing from you. "I share your view that the urgent problem of species extinction and the conservation of biological diversity should be addressed. The first step in saving any plant or animal from extinction is to become aware of and respect the fragile ecosystems that make up our environment ... "Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I look forward to working with you for the future of our planet."
It's strange he should talk about the ecosystem and extinction since the Texas Eagle is a TRAIN! There is not a bird called the Texas Eagle.
Categories: AGW Whackos, Humour (18+), Politics
My Wife Is Standing
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
Categories: Humour (18+)
My Wife Was Hinting
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her bathroom scales.
Categories: Humour (18+)
A Man Comes Home
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in
front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it
starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do
tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy,
drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "
Categories: Humour (18+)
Personal Ad
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
PERSONAL AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, night before last.
Date:
2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your
embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I
drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that
cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just
bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we
had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you
agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head
... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever
you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was
even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell
phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running
to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your
mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the
entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank
as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your
credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was
extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made
his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"
that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side
window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called
a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut
down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day
now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two
threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while
mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed
really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your
number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing
you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate
punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort
through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only
hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps
reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember,
next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Categories: Humour (18+)
Amazing Luck
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Can you believe this.
This guy wins $18 million in the lottery on Saturday and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Then this guy inherits $6 billion from his uncle's estate. The very next day, a woman he's been interested in for years but couldn't go near due to restraining orders, has a change of heart, drops the restraining orders and want's to spend the rest of her life with him.
TALK ABOUT LUCK!!!
Categories: Humour (18+)
A Sri Lankan, an Afghani and an Aussie are in the same bar
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
A Sri Lankan, an Afghani and an Aussie are in the same bar.
When the Sri Lankan finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Sri Lanka, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Afghani, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Our World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Aussie, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Sri Lankan and the Afghani.
Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says 'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
Categories: Humour (18+)
350 Day
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
The 24th October, 20009, was 350 Day. For those who missed it, 350 Day was celebrated by 'thousands' of activist in 181 countries around the world in an effort to make others aware that 350ppm CO2 is what MUST be achieved or we are all doomed due to the effect of the 'man-made' CO2 increase and Climate Change.
On that day fact: More people watched Not Evil Just Wrong ( http://www.noteviljustwrong.com/ ) than ALL of the 350 events put together ..... however the media ignored that fact.
So, for the record, lets put pictures to the headlines.
Sydney - Thousands attend 350 Day protest.
Kiev - Hundreds attend 350 Day protest
Rome - Huge turnout for 350 Day protest
Shanghai - People of China attend 350 Day protest.
Russia - the Komi population got their important message to the world.
Copenhagen - Thousands attended the 350 day protest in support of the
impending Copenhagen Climate Summit.
Valencia - The Crowd ....... The sincereness.
And what were the headlines for 24th Oct, 2009 ...... WORLD 350 DAY.
#1 BALLOON BOY
#2 BALLOON BOY'S MUM
#3 SOUPY SALES DIES.
#4 CHURCH JANITOR ARRESTED IN KILLING OF PRIEST IN NEW JERSEY
#5 OBAMA RALLIES SUPPORT OVER IRAN
According to 350.org and Greenpeace, the Science is in ..... the crowds were strong ..... the pictures show a much greater turnout than expected.
Maybe 350 was the total of the protestors worldwide who showed up.
Categories: AGW Whackos, Humour (18+)
Ed Zachary Disease
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang! What is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'
Categories: Humour (18+)
Oral Sex Survey
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about ‘Oral Sex':
a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation, and
c.. 93% just appreciated the silence!
Categories: Humour (18+)
Where would you be:
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS OR PETS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
>
>
>
>
Well....... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!
>
>
>
>
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FUCKIN' HOUSE!
Categories: Humour (18+)
Collingwood finally caved in and chose an alternate strip.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Categories: Humour (18+)
I See Homer Simpson
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sweat Tea
Monday, May 31, 2010
A woman beaten black and blue went to see her doctor.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "This is a situation that is best resolved by a preventative measure, and I know exactly what you need to do. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing the tea in your mouth. Keep swishing but don't swallow any of it until he goes to bed and is fast sleep."
Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I took a glass of sweet tea as you prescribed, and I swished and swished the tea in my mouth, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Categories: Humour (18+)
Scuba Divers
Monday, May 31, 2010
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."
Categories: Humour (18+)
Harry Potter Film
Monday, May 31, 2010
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
Categories: Humour (18+)
When you're in your casket.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
Categories: Humour (18+)
Robbie Knievel to jump Cat D-9 Dozer
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Hurry. Only 4 tickets left !!!
I have just a few spare tickets for the Robbie Knievel event next weekend in Melb.
In case you didn't know, Robbie Knievel is the son of the legendary Evil Knievel.
If you're interested phone me NOW as these will go fast.
For the first time ever; Robbie is going to try to jump THIS Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer over 5,000 Collingwood supporters!!!!!!!
Should be a truly momentous event.!!!!!!!
Categories: Humour (18+)
3 Football Fans
Sunday, May 30, 2010
3 football fans - a Carlton fan, an Essendon fan and a Collingwood fan were all walking home after watching a game at the pub.
They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement, and decide to phone the police.
The Carlton fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, and took off his Carlton cap and placed it over the woman's left breast.
Not to be outdone the Essendon fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman's right breast.
Similarly, the Collingwood fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his cap and placed it over her groin area.
Now, when the police arrived, the 3 football fans had to stick around for questioning by the police.
They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime.
The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes.
He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes.
Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes.
He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes.
For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Collingwood fan to the point where he went up to the officer.
"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked the obviously annoyed Collingwood fan.
The officer replied "It's just weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prick under a Collingwood cap!"
Categories: Humour (18+)
Favourite Movie Prediction
Sunday, May 30, 2010
This math test can predict your all-time most-watched movie. Mine was "Saving Private Ryan".
Try it without looking at the answers. It's easy and really works:
Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply that by 3.
Add those two digits together.
Use that number to find your all time favorite movie in the list below.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Your movie is:
1. Gone With The Wind.
2. Aliens..
3. Dances With Wolves.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump..
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Doctor Zhivago.
9. The Joy Of Anal Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys from Scotland.
10. Mary Poppins.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Aussie Bloke and the Rat
Sunday, May 30, 2010
An Aussie bloke walks into a Sydney curio/antique shop.
After
looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of
a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he
decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is
this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'
The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the drains and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'Hell no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, a Pom and an Indian spin bowler.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Leather Dresses
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Leather Dresses
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag
Categories: Humour (18+)
Remember When
Saturday, May 29, 2010
All the girls wore ugly gym slips
It took five minutes for the TV to warm up
Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school
Nobody owned a thoroughbred dog
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny
Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces
You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents
They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed. . . And they did it!
When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car... And people went steady
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked
Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the game
Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger
And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today
When being sent to the principal was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of
drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents
were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, rounders , Hula Hoops, and
visits to the pool, and eating sherbert with liquorice sticks.
Didn't
that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?
I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a Double Dare to
pass it on.
To remember what a Double Dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.
Send this on to someone who can still remember the Lone Ranger and Sgt Bilko
How Many Of These Do You Remember?
Coca Cola in bottles.
Blackjacks and bubblegums
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops
Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records
78 RPM records
Adding Machines
Scalextric
Do You Remember a Time When decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tiddlers could happily occupy an entire day
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was'chickenpox'
Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a sling-shot
War was a card game
Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle
Taking drugs meant orange - flavored chewable aspirin
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon
If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who needs a break from their 'Grown-Up' Life.
I Double Dare You!
Categories: Humour (18+), Remember When
Teacher explaining biology to the 4th Grade
Saturday, May 29, 2010
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised her back, went
"Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff," but before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the
Rottweiler ate her!
Categories: Humour (18+)
Damn Kevins Economy
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Another Victim of the Economy...
It always seems to be the young who suffer the most!
the 'poor little thing' has no shoes!
Categories: Humour (18+)
On the Bus
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
Categories: Humour (18+)
KRudd goes to Israel
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Kevin Rudd goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of
Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker
tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him
shipped home for $5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land
, for just $100.'
The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They
come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $5,000,000 to
ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $100? With the money you save you could help pay back
some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and get a face
job for Julia or help the elderly'.
The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the
risk.'
Categories: Humour (18+)
Joke of the Day
Saturday, May 29, 2010
A Cow, an Ant and an Arsehole ...
A cow, an ant and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.
Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why
I am the greatest!!
Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I
can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn now--- Say something............!!!
Categories: Humour (18+)
Unfortunate Name and Address
Saturday, May 29, 2010
In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.
Her mail is addressed:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Support Rudd
Saturday, May 29, 2010
As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists
that appear in emails, but this one is important. It has been
circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit
forward and send it on.
Please keep it going!
To show your support for Kevin Rudd please go to the end
of the list and add your name.
1. Therese Rein (Mrs Rudd).
2.
Categories: Humour (18+)
And for Cricket Fans
Saturday, May 29, 2010
You Know You're An Australian If
Saturday, May 29, 2010
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil
case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how
often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black
thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its
highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really,
truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's
twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but
"Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast
spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they
stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as
the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is
not spelt with a "u"
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery
in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks
for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you
like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order
takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is
always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for
beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they
call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally
strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the
need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national
anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential
in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians,
here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Kev's First Draft
Saturday, May 29, 2010
AUSTRALIAN APOLOGY TO THE ABORIGINAL POPULATION
We apologise for giving you doctors and free medical care, which allows
you to survive and multiply so that you can demand apologies.
We apologise for helping you to read and teaching you the English
language and thus we opened up to you the entire European civilisation,
thought and enterprise.
We feel that we must apologise for building hundreds of homes for you,
which you have vandalised and destroyed.
We apologise for giving you law and order which has helped prevent you
from slaughtering one another and using the unfortunate for food
purposes.
We apologise for developing large farms and properties, which today feed
you people, where before, you had the benefits of living off the land
and starving during droughts.
We apologise for providing you with warm clothing made of fabric to
replace the animal skins you used before.
We apologise for building roads and railway tracks between cities, and
building cars so that you no longer have to walk over harsh terrain.
We apologise for paying off your vehicle when you fail to pay the
installments
We apologise for giving you free travel anywhere, whenever.
We apologise for giving each and every member of your family $100.00 and
free travel to anywhere to attend an aboriginal funeral.
We apologise for not charging you rent on any lands when white people
have to pay.
We apologise for giving you interest free loans.
We apologise for developing oil wells and minerals, including gold and
diamonds and other precious minerals, which you never used and had no
idea of their value.
We apologise for developing Ayers rock and Kakadu, and handing them over
to you so that you get all the money.
We apologise for allowing taxpayers money paid towards daughters'
weddings ($8,000.00 each daughter)
We apologise for giving you "incremental funds" of $1.7 billion per year
for your 250,000 people, which is $68,000.00 per aboriginal man, woman
and child.
We apologise for working hard to pay taxes that then finance your
welfare, medical care, education, etc to the tune of $1.2 billion each
year, which is $48,000.00 per aboriginal man, woman and child
We apologise for you having to approach the aboriginal affairs
department to verify the above figures.
We apologise for the trouble you will have identifying the "uncle toms"
in your own community who are getting richer and leaving some of you
living in squalor and poverty.
We do apologise. We really do.
We humbly beg your forgiveness for all the above sins.
We are only too happy to take back all the above and return you to the
paradise of the "outback", whenever you are ready.
Categories: Humour (18+)
Passport Application Complaint
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still
cannot believe this.
How is it that Dick Smith has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and
yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date?
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
You have my birth date on the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare card, my driver's licence, on
the last eight bloody passports I've had, on all those stupid customs
declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the
planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms
that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that
my mother's name is Irene, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be
absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I
die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this
morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for
my f**ckin' address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal
assholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin
Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want
to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell
me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the
next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken
or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other
end of Australia and get another f**ckin' copy of my birth certificate,
to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services
in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same
day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the f**ckin' place
like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm
that it's really me on the goddamn picture -- you know, the one where
we're not allowed to smile in?!
F**ckin' morons!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally
pissed off!
Signed - An Irate F**ckin' Australian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and
getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in
this country since 1770 when one of my forefathers took up arms against
the Pommies. I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to
the Lieutenant Governor of our State for ten years, and I have been
doing volunteer work for the CMF for about five years. However, I have
to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like
my doctor WHO HAS ONLY BEEN IN THE COUNTRY FOR THREE YEARS AND WAS BORN
AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST F**CKIN' CHINA!!!
Categories: Humour (18+)
Ebay Scam
Saturday, May 29, 2010
EBay SCAM
PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF EBAY TRADERS, NOT SELLING AS ADVERTISED...
I WAS SCAMMED...
I ORDERED A BLOW UP DOLL... AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SENT...
Categories: Humour (18+)
Belly Button Contest
Saturday, May 29, 2010
ANNUAL FLORIDA VS. FRANKSTON
BELLY-BUTTON JEWELRY CONTEST
... AND THE WINNER IS?
FLORIDA
FRANKSTON
Categories: Humour (18+)
Man Robs a Bank
Saturday, May 29, 2010
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers, "Yes."
The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
He then asks the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."
Categories: Humour (18+)